Sex, Love and Intimacy

Romantic Love -pt. 1 (photo)

Life is too short to hold this back: This is a quote from an incredible book - The Psychology of Romantic Love - by Nathaniel Branden

Love as a Private Universe

Two selves, two personalities, two senses of life, two islands of consciousness have found each other, have interpenetrated, have begun to develop the space they will inhabit so long as the relationship lasts. The new universe that is created is not the same as the universe that either person occupied alone: it is the result of an intermingling.

This is the universe we come home to in the evening, when we rejoin our partner. It is a universe made of silent understandings and unspoken words, or eloquent glances and humorous shorthand signals, a universe of shared subjectivity. Everyone who has been in love more than once knows that each love relationship has its own music, its own emotional quality, its own style - and its own world.

And whether it is a universe based on shared sight (romantic love) or one based on shared blindness (immature love), whether it is a universe shaped by happiness or one that is merely a fortress against pain, it is - by its nature - by the nature of love, mature or immature - an emotional support system, a sanctuary, a source of nourishment and energy, apart from the outside world. Sometimes it is experienced as the only point of certainty, the only thing solid and real, in the midst of chaos and ambiguity.

To not be alone in the world, to have someone who knows and supports who you are, sees who you are, respects and cares about who you are is a safe haven in an uncertain world. This private universe is what adults look for in life. We may not all be ready for commitment at the same time, but when we are, even the most ardent commit-o-phobes want to settle down. We want the private universe, but many of us don't believe it is possible. We doubt we could love or be loved for the rest of our lives. We doubt we could find a universe as beautiful as described above. It is our doubting that can actually keep romantic love away.

Raymond Jones, PhD

Sexologist

Posted by Raymond Jones

flirting pt.2

Flirting -pt.2

I love to talk with couples about their romance. I love to hear how they flirt with each other. Flirting is such a sexy part of romance. Some people understand flirting more than others. Some are natural at it, other have to learn to flirt. One who really seemed to get it was Mae West, she made it look natural.

I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked. -Mae West

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. -Mae West

A man's kiss is his signature. -Mae West

Isn't she cool? What an amazing woman. She was all woman, and she was a Warrior Queen. On July 1st, 1934 the censorship codes began to be strictly enforced and many of West's screenplays were severely edited. Her response? Accelerate the double entendres. She was a freedom fighter. I like her spirit.

I want to fight for freedom from false constraints. My favorite book of poetry says it this way .... regarding the Life of Freedom. You have been set free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.

Many of us were harnessed by unwanted sexual assault. What happened as a child put false limits on our lives. Do what you can to remove your limits and move forward. When you've gone as far as you can, ask for help. I'll connect you to a therapist if you need. You have a right to recapture the romance in your life.

Raymond Jones, PhD

Sexologist

Posted by Raymond Jones

FLIRTING

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Flirting
If I were the principal of a school, I'd want it to be a flirting school, a school for flirts, or a flirting college. It would be the best school around. Everybody would want to be in my school. People would come from all over to go to my school and they would love it but, the ones they flirted with would love it more. The graduates would be known all over the world as the best flirts in the universe. And I would be their president, 'er I mean their principal.
Flirting is an awesome skill. Girls attract boys, Women attract men, and men, well men need a lot of help. So I teach the men, when she plays with her hair, licks her lips, crosses her legs, laughs at his jokes and "accidentally" touches him, she's flirting. Yes, with you. The men say with all sincerity, "Huh?" "Really?" "She was.... oooooooh...."
And, so I teach them how to flirt back. Occasionally, I get to teach the women, because sometimes women get all grown up, and nobody taught them the fine art of flirting. Shame too. A woman who knows how to flirt is like a nuclear reactor, she can cause way more than electrons to get excited.
More on flirting next time. If you'd like to share your flirting story with me, write to me at - raymond@aspencenter.org - and I will use your story in my next blog, or book, whichever comes first.
.........................
Raymond Jones, PhD

Sexologist

Posted by Raymond Jones

Unrequited Love -pt.3

Unrequited Love

Unrequited Love is possibly the most painful experience in life: Loving someone who doesn’t love you back. Scientists have shown that 66% of all dreams dreamed are about being rejected, love lost, being alone. Let’s face it, being into someone more than they are into us causes depression, comfort eating, mania, helplessness, hopelessness, despair, and yes, suicide. Many people have died from losing the will to live. A broken heart is difficult for anyone to bear alone.

Caroline was alone for many years, her heart broken by the men who did not return her affection. She had several experiences that brought her to the edge of extinction. One rejection after the other broke here spirit. She was defeated in love and in life. She contemplated what life would be like if she’d only been a different person.

Caroline is not alone in her pain. There are many who know the agony of loving someone who does not share your certainty of love. To recover from the loss of a love take these steps:

[ ] Take care of yourself physically : sleep when you feel tired, eat what tastes good. Find your sanctuary, where you feel safe from the world.

[ ] Care for your thoughts. Find the thoughts that are kind to you and stay with it. "They're just not into you" is not critical of you, but it is understanding of them.

[ ] Gratitude : remember the good things your love brought into your life. Remember the life lessons you learned from them, remember what you learned about yourself, and about love. Gratitude is the single most healing emotion in the human body. Be grateful and the pain will ease up sooner than if you built your new home over resentment, blame, guilt and despair. Life a life of no regrets.

Asking about past break ups, looking for evidence of gratitude is a good question when you begin to date another person: "Tell me about your first real love. How did it end." It's a safe assumption that most first loves never make it long term, so ask about their first love. If they tell you "Why that SOB! They oughtta rot in hell for what they did to me!" Watch out! This could be how they speak of you in the future. But if they say "I don't know where they are, but I wish them well. We both made mistakes, and let me tell you what I learned about love..." - this might be a keeper. Can you hear the gratitude for what was learned? This tells you they will speak well of you also. Gratitude is a class act for anyone to follow.

If you have stories of unrequited love and would like to share them with me, mail me your stories to : raymond@aspencenter.org .

Raymond Jones, PhD

Sexologist

Posted by Raymond Jones

Unrequited Love

Unrequited Love
When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together
Lives within my heart
So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say "I will always love you"
Lyrics by Randy Newman
From Toy Story 2
            It is not only women who feel the anguish of unrequited love. Men are right in there as well as women. How many Country songs need be played before we catch the drift. When men are not loved in return, they get drunk, race their trucks, and do some pretty stupid things. They even sleep with other women to forget who they really want to be with. Cowboys and Surfers know the truth of these lyrics - Help me Rhonda ... Help, Help me Rhonda ... Help me Rhonda, Yeah! ... get her outta my heart. If more bad guys handled rejection better, fewer villains would have tried to kill James Bond. Re: Goldfinger, “Do you expect me to talk? ...... Noooooooooo, Mr. Bond ... I expect you to die!    Women go shopping, eat, or also to bed with someone they don’t love…. and hate themselves in the morning.
          Handling the loss of a love: (the beginning stages)
1.   Here’s some wisdom from my favorite book, hold onto this, it is priceless : Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. …And you will be comforted, trust me.
2.   Tell yourself over and over again: “He/she is just not that into me.” This is really a kind truth to tell yourself. If someone is not that into you, it is not a criticism of you, it is a statement about them. If you go into a restaurant and choose one meal over the other, it does not mean that other meal is awful, you just have different tastes.
3.   Find your sanctuary. Go to a place you can hide and heal. Find the nurturing places and nurturing people, people who love you as you are, and visit often. Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. Food is not your friend here. Addictions are not your answer.
          This is just the beginning of the healing process from a broken heart. Time is key. The choices you make and the thoughts you think are key.   Choose wisely, don’t be too proud to ask for help.
Write me and tell me your stories of unrequited love. Put UNREQUITED LOVE in the subject line and send to :  raymond@aspencenter.org
?Raymond Jones, PhD, CAS, LMFT, MDiv
Clinical Director
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Clinical Sexologist
Certified Sex Addiction Specialist
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t: +1 805 436 5342 x8009
f: +1 805 409 0001
e: raymond@aspencenter.org
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The Aspen Center
541 South Glendora Avenue
Suite F, Glendora, CA 91741
+1 877 959 4640
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Experience Dr. Jones Experience Dr. Jones through I-Tunes at The Intimacy Connection
and on the Voice America Variety Network at The Intimacy Connection  <http://www.modavox.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1592>
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Raymond Jones, PhD, CAS, LMFT, MDiv
Clinical Director

---

Clinical Sexologist

Certified Sex Addiction Specialist

---

t: +1 805 436 5342 x8009

f: +1 805 409 0001

e: raymond@aspencenter.org

---

The Aspen Center

541 South Glendora Avenue

Suite F, Glendora, CA 91741

+1 877 959 4640

---

Experience Dr. Jones Experience Dr. Jones through I-Tunes at The Intimacy Connection

and on the Voice America Variety Network at The Intimacy Connection <http://www.modavox.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1592>

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Posted by Raymond Jones

Are You in Love with Someone Who Doesn't Love You?

Unrequited Love
   "He whispered good-bye and closed the door, taking half my life with him." Unrequited Love is the most painful experience a human can encounter. To love, and not be loved in return; this is unrequited love.
   The object of affection could be a friend, a neighbor, teacher, co-worker, someone you may have frequent contact with. The admirer is in a most awkward position, and the awkwardness might be obvious to outsiders, but to the lover, their lives are painfully torn apart again and again.     "Will I see them again?...shall I tell them how I really feel?...what if they reject me?...Oh, God! What if they don't feel the same?...they must feel the same...why, I'll just walk up and tell them...Oh, God! They're coming this way...quick! Look busy!..." the inner monologue of the forlorn is brutal. With such torturous inner talk no wonder the admirer is torn apart with depression, emotional highs and lows, anxiety, loss of concentration, and low self-esteem.
   In movies and in literature we have compassion for those whose love is not returned: Charlie Brown and the Little Red-Haired Girl, Wuthering Heights, Casablanca, Four Weddings and a Funeral are classic expressions of one who loves deeply and one whose love is not reciprocated. If this was you, or is you now, take heart dear one, if you get wise advice you will heal. I know you want to hear that you will attain the love of your life, but remember: those who mourn will be comforted. It will eventually be better in the morning. It always gets better in the morning. More on how to heal tomorrow.
   If you are hurting now with UNREQUITED LOVE, tell me your story. Add comments to this blog or send your stories to: raymond@aspencenter . Put UNREQUITED LOVE in the subject line.

Raymond Jones, PhD

Sexologist

Posted by Raymond Jones

When Struggling with the Question: Is this the right lover for you?

Often when we’re lonely and we’re struggling to find a lover or partner, we can get in a hurry and settle. Don’t settle. Never settle. You’ll regret it.

So what are some of the important issues to focus on?

1. Find people who value you and treat you with respect. Go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated.

2. Learn how to recognize toxic relationships and when to walk away.

3. You need to find someone who can stir up the dream/destiny inside of you.

Here are some difficult things worth thinking about realistically:

a. Identify and accept the reality of the relationship.

b. You can’t conquer that which you don’t confront and which you don’t identify.

c. There are 4 kinds of relationship: a relationship either adds to your life, subtracts, divides, or multiplies “life” in and around you.

d. Some relationships are for a season. They may be “boosters” at first, but you have to leave, because they hold you to a mentality or a past.

e. You become a product of what you hang around.

f. People change, but not much.

g. People change, but not much.

h. You cannot force feed someone who is not hungry to eat.

i. Are you really willing to pay the price for a “work under construction”?

Be patient and wait. (I know, I know, easy for me to say.) But God has good things for you. He loves you. He wants to bless you. But you can never love someone else, until you love yourself. (And you can’t really love yourself fully, until you know the deep, unconditional love of the One who created you. Not wanting to sound religious, it’s just true. How many people really accept themselves fully and lovingly?) Trust God, trust yourself, and don’t settle.

Do you get it? DON’T SETTLE.

Lyn Lasneski

PO Box 456

Depoe Bay, Or 97341

lyn@lynlasneski.com

http:/freedomthroughart.com (for my blog)

htttp:/twitter.com/lynlasneski

Posted by Lyn Lasneski

GO WHERE YOU ARE CELEBRATED, NOT WHERE YOU ARE TOLERATED

Finding relationships that celebrate us are one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.

Someone who will take the time to pay attention to us, focus on us, notice our beauty.

Henry Miller said, “The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.”

When we experience someone “paying close attention” to us, we get to see ourselves in authentic way,

we get to feel beautiful, handsome.

How to recognize toxic relationships and when to walk away:

a. Relationships that create constant conflict, disagreement and strife (vs the power of agreement).

b. Relationships that hides you and holds you to your past.

Not a common past, but common goals!

c. Predators of the heart. Scripture says to “Guard/Keep your Heart!”

a. Say what you want, never lose your identity or compromise your character for anyone!

b. What they do now, they’ll do later.

c. They are socio-pathic. You act like Chicken Little, afraid the sky is going to fall in.

Lyn Lasneski

lyn@lynlasneski.com

http:/freedomthroughart.com (for my blog)

htttp:/twitter.com/lynlasneski

Posted by Lyn Lasneski

A true man brings his strength to the relationship (see picture)

Men are to bring a strength and a tenderness to their relationships. A true man does not find pleasure in arguing with his woman.

He argues for her, protecting her from criticism.

Raymond Jones, PhD

Sexologist

Posted by Raymond Jones

Sex, Love and Intimacy

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Archive

Romantic Love -pt. 1 (photo)

flirting pt.2

FLIRTING

Unrequited Love -pt.3

Unrequited Love

Are You in Love with Someone Who Doesn't Love You?

When Struggling with the Question: Is this the right lover for you?

GO WHERE YOU ARE CELEBRATED, NOT WHERE YOU ARE TOLERATED

A true man brings his strength to the relationship (see picture)